Friday, March 30, 2007
An Inspirational Message from BGR
A small 'pick me up' for everybody out there. No matter how hard the world may be. No matter how much injustice, hate, anger and ugliness is out there. No matter how much the world may continue to knock you down. Always remember that somewhere over the rainbow there is always a 'pot of gold' awaiting you...
Monday, March 26, 2007
Some candid advice for Bums, Hobos, and Homeless People
Inspired by the Wino Sign Awards , I began to reflect on what it takes for me to actually part with my hard earned money and give it to the less fortuanate. As a result I have decided to bestow some of this wisdom upon those who need it the most. So listen up all you bums, hobos, and homeless people, I'm about to give you the straight scoop on getting your hands into my pockets!!! Not literally of course, that would be an entirely different subject.
Now, I know what some of you are going to say, "You insensitive prick, shame on you, don't you know that bums, hobos, and homeless people don't have high-speed internet access. So there is no way they would be able to benefit from your advice." To which I reply, "Please, concerned reader, there's no reason to get your panties in a wad." I am very much aware that bums, hobos, and homeless people are forced by there dire circumstances to use dial-up. It may take them 2o-25 minutes to load the damn page, but hell, its not like they got jobs to go to.
First off, a lot of people don't give out a single penny to any panhandlers under any circumstance. These type of people usually give some kind of self-righteous, patronizing excuse like, "Well, their just going to go spend it on booze anyway." To which I reply, "NO SHIT." If you were sleeping in a public park or sidewalk you can bet your ass you are going to be sucking down some cooking sherry or puffing on a crack pipe. It ain't camping motherfucker!
But thats not to say that every time somebody comes up to you asking for some money they instantly deserve it. This is where all the bums, hobos, and homeless people need to listen up, cause I'm talking to you! You best come correct with that shit! Below is an example of how NOT to get any money...
That is some weak ass bullshit. Do you know how many jackasses try to pull this same old tired crap? And don't try to get creative with this one either. For instance don't come up and tell me you are a 'youth director' and the church van has broken down and you need 'X' amount of money to get the right part to fix it. Bullshit. Where are all the 'jesus campers' you are suppose to be chaperoning if thats true? And why are you asking me outside of a liquor store at 3:24 in the morning?
Another classic variation of this is what I like to refer to as the Lost In America conundrum . This is when a dude in a Blimpes uniform comes up to you, and it goes a little something like this...
I can't get gas
cuz I ain't got no money
I can't get money
cuz I can't get to my job
I can't get to my job
cuz I don't have any gas
So I'm looking for a sucker with gas and a job to give me some money
Don't you know where you are?
Guess what, you where in a fucking Burger King uniform last week telling me the same damn sob story. And if you are that resourceful in obtaining different uniforms for your 'scam' on a weekly basis why cant you get a real job? So you know what, unless you look like this dude right here...
...don't bother asking.
Next, is the 'little black dress' of panhandling:
Let me tell ya something hobo, bum, or homeless person this ain't Pol Pot-era Cambodia, this is America, and we don't work for food in this country. We work for money so we can buy food. But you know this don't you. So why don't you stop beating around the bush and ask me for the damn money, already. If not, I'm going to take you up on your little offer. I'm going to take you to my office and you are going to do my shitty job, deal with my jerk-off boss and idiot co-workers. I will cash the paycheck and give you a bowl of rice for your efforts. Sounds pretty ridiculous doesn't it? Thats because it is.
By now it should become apparent what it takes to get my change purse out. Honesty. For example, this WILL get you some money...
No sir, you are not bullshitting me and that will get you a dollar. But you may be stretching it if you think that money is going to get you a hooker. But what ever gets you through the day, buddy.
Another good way of cashing in is to go with something that is a little more humorous. Take this little gem of hobo humor for example...
Give me a little giggle, and I will give you a little jingle. Simple as that.
Another great way to panhandle successfully is to ask for an exact amount of currency. For instance, rather than "Got any change?" why not try, "Do you have 23 cents?" I guarantee you will catch your target off guard enough for them to actually engage you and ask, "Why?" This is when you reply, "Cause thats all I need to get a bottle." Not only are you being honest, but you are now exhibiting a goal-oriented attitude with a proven track record demonstrating ability to meet fiscal quotas and targets! Organize with some of your other bum or hobo pals to do this on a larger scale and you are demonstrating leadership ability to direct and supervise staff. Show the world that you are a 'pick yourself up from your boot straps' detail oriented and organized self-starter. My God Man, with a shit, shave, and shower you are ready to interview for that junior financial analyst position at Merrill Lynch...uh well, we may be getting a little ahead of ourselves. Probably should start with that shit, shave, and shower first and maybe work on a permanent address to put on the application that does not include the words 'Mission' or 'Shelter' in the title.
Anyway, those are only a few helpful 'dos' and 'dont's' when you are looking to score some change from me or anyone else. And to all of those assholes out there who don't help out a brotha when they in the gutta, remember this: In a capatilist society we all serve a function no matter how fair or unfair it may be. Yours is to help people out every now and then with a little Christian charity. Bums, Hobos, and Homeless people you here to make us feel better about ourselves with signs like this...
Now, I know what some of you are going to say, "You insensitive prick, shame on you, don't you know that bums, hobos, and homeless people don't have high-speed internet access. So there is no way they would be able to benefit from your advice." To which I reply, "Please, concerned reader, there's no reason to get your panties in a wad." I am very much aware that bums, hobos, and homeless people are forced by there dire circumstances to use dial-up. It may take them 2o-25 minutes to load the damn page, but hell, its not like they got jobs to go to.
First off, a lot of people don't give out a single penny to any panhandlers under any circumstance. These type of people usually give some kind of self-righteous, patronizing excuse like, "Well, their just going to go spend it on booze anyway." To which I reply, "NO SHIT." If you were sleeping in a public park or sidewalk you can bet your ass you are going to be sucking down some cooking sherry or puffing on a crack pipe. It ain't camping motherfucker!
But thats not to say that every time somebody comes up to you asking for some money they instantly deserve it. This is where all the bums, hobos, and homeless people need to listen up, cause I'm talking to you! You best come correct with that shit! Below is an example of how NOT to get any money...
That is some weak ass bullshit. Do you know how many jackasses try to pull this same old tired crap? And don't try to get creative with this one either. For instance don't come up and tell me you are a 'youth director' and the church van has broken down and you need 'X' amount of money to get the right part to fix it. Bullshit. Where are all the 'jesus campers' you are suppose to be chaperoning if thats true? And why are you asking me outside of a liquor store at 3:24 in the morning?
Another classic variation of this is what I like to refer to as the Lost In America conundrum . This is when a dude in a Blimpes uniform comes up to you, and it goes a little something like this...
I can't get gas
cuz I ain't got no money
I can't get money
cuz I can't get to my job
I can't get to my job
cuz I don't have any gas
So I'm looking for a sucker with gas and a job to give me some money
Don't you know where you are?
Guess what, you where in a fucking Burger King uniform last week telling me the same damn sob story. And if you are that resourceful in obtaining different uniforms for your 'scam' on a weekly basis why cant you get a real job? So you know what, unless you look like this dude right here...
...don't bother asking.
Next, is the 'little black dress' of panhandling:
Let me tell ya something hobo, bum, or homeless person this ain't Pol Pot-era Cambodia, this is America, and we don't work for food in this country. We work for money so we can buy food. But you know this don't you. So why don't you stop beating around the bush and ask me for the damn money, already. If not, I'm going to take you up on your little offer. I'm going to take you to my office and you are going to do my shitty job, deal with my jerk-off boss and idiot co-workers. I will cash the paycheck and give you a bowl of rice for your efforts. Sounds pretty ridiculous doesn't it? Thats because it is.
By now it should become apparent what it takes to get my change purse out. Honesty. For example, this WILL get you some money...
No sir, you are not bullshitting me and that will get you a dollar. But you may be stretching it if you think that money is going to get you a hooker. But what ever gets you through the day, buddy.
Another good way of cashing in is to go with something that is a little more humorous. Take this little gem of hobo humor for example...
Give me a little giggle, and I will give you a little jingle. Simple as that.
Another great way to panhandle successfully is to ask for an exact amount of currency. For instance, rather than "Got any change?" why not try, "Do you have 23 cents?" I guarantee you will catch your target off guard enough for them to actually engage you and ask, "Why?" This is when you reply, "Cause thats all I need to get a bottle." Not only are you being honest, but you are now exhibiting a goal-oriented attitude with a proven track record demonstrating ability to meet fiscal quotas and targets! Organize with some of your other bum or hobo pals to do this on a larger scale and you are demonstrating leadership ability to direct and supervise staff. Show the world that you are a 'pick yourself up from your boot straps' detail oriented and organized self-starter. My God Man, with a shit, shave, and shower you are ready to interview for that junior financial analyst position at Merrill Lynch...uh well, we may be getting a little ahead of ourselves. Probably should start with that shit, shave, and shower first and maybe work on a permanent address to put on the application that does not include the words 'Mission' or 'Shelter' in the title.
Anyway, those are only a few helpful 'dos' and 'dont's' when you are looking to score some change from me or anyone else. And to all of those assholes out there who don't help out a brotha when they in the gutta, remember this: In a capatilist society we all serve a function no matter how fair or unfair it may be. Yours is to help people out every now and then with a little Christian charity. Bums, Hobos, and Homeless people you here to make us feel better about ourselves with signs like this...
Sunday, March 25, 2007
The Search for Fresh Toes Ted
As long as there was advertising, there were people getting pissed off about advertising. (See History of the Fucking World, v.3, pg.86)
In today's modern world, with so many things to sell, there aren't nearly enough salesmen around to sell it all. There are so many suckers with money, and so many hucksters who want to "huck the suck." See, the snake-oil salesmen of yesteryear have turned into a much more annoying species - the marketing exec. Let us all give a hand, a big thank you, to P. T. Barnum, the father of modern marketing. Now granted P.T. Barnum could sell trash to New Jersey (zing!), but those following in his footsteps are missing the mark.
Sometimes there is a television ad that is so ignorant, so mind numbing, so annoying, that it makes me want to hold a pillow over my face (and ears) for the length that it is on. If this causes me to die, so be it. But it usually doesn't, seeing as most ad spots are 30 seconds long. I can hold my breath for 34 seconds.
So, there exists that bad ad, right? And what does the company for whom the ad was created do? Make sure that the terrible ad is played about every 6 minutes. The repetition of the stupidity increases my anger, until the blood beneath the skin begins to metaphorically bubble.
That's where Mr. Fresh Toes Ted comes into play.
Fresh Toes Ted is the last man to appear on this Subway commercial (below.)
"14 stories below, they call me Mr. Fresh Toasted."
I don't know of any people out there that createe nicknames for people which are longer than the name they are nicking. I will assume that Mr. Fresh Toasted (5 syllables) is longer than either his first, last, or acceptable shortening of his first name. That is unless his name is Peedoocatzoodle (5 syllables) Afflamingobergy (6 Syllables). It is completely fucking absurd that anyone would ever refer to anyone as "Mr. Fresh Toasted." This lead me to believe that he wasn't saying "Fresh Toasted", but "Fresh Toes Ted", after the fact that he always wears sweet smelling powders in his boots, thus keeping his toes as fresh as a fucking daisy. It is acceptable to make a mocking nickname that is longer than the name that it is nicking (i.e. Georgie Peoria.)
The people who made that commercial, obviously know nothing about selling items to the public. What they do know how to do is fucking piss me off. So, I decided to help those people get fired. For the lifespan of that commercial, I boycotted Subway. Maybe, if they aren't getting my money, then they will realize that Fresh Toes Ted is ignorant, and pull his sweet smelling feet off of my TV.
Commercials are supposed to make me want to buy stuff, not kill myself (unless it was an ad for something that would aide in me killing myself.) From now till the end of time, Fresh Toes Ted will be synonymous with advertising that should be shut down! Fresh Toes Ted will be the poster boy for People Against Stupid Television Advertising (PASTA.) Wherever Fresh Toes Ted appears, I will not be there, I will not be buying the product, I will be bloggin dat shit!
In today's modern world, with so many things to sell, there aren't nearly enough salesmen around to sell it all. There are so many suckers with money, and so many hucksters who want to "huck the suck." See, the snake-oil salesmen of yesteryear have turned into a much more annoying species - the marketing exec. Let us all give a hand, a big thank you, to P. T. Barnum, the father of modern marketing. Now granted P.T. Barnum could sell trash to New Jersey (zing!), but those following in his footsteps are missing the mark.
Sometimes there is a television ad that is so ignorant, so mind numbing, so annoying, that it makes me want to hold a pillow over my face (and ears) for the length that it is on. If this causes me to die, so be it. But it usually doesn't, seeing as most ad spots are 30 seconds long. I can hold my breath for 34 seconds.
So, there exists that bad ad, right? And what does the company for whom the ad was created do? Make sure that the terrible ad is played about every 6 minutes. The repetition of the stupidity increases my anger, until the blood beneath the skin begins to metaphorically bubble.
That's where Mr. Fresh Toes Ted comes into play.
Fresh Toes Ted is the last man to appear on this Subway commercial (below.)
"14 stories below, they call me Mr. Fresh Toasted."
I don't know of any people out there that createe nicknames for people which are longer than the name they are nicking. I will assume that Mr. Fresh Toasted (5 syllables) is longer than either his first, last, or acceptable shortening of his first name. That is unless his name is Peedoocatzoodle (5 syllables) Afflamingobergy (6 Syllables). It is completely fucking absurd that anyone would ever refer to anyone as "Mr. Fresh Toasted." This lead me to believe that he wasn't saying "Fresh Toasted", but "Fresh Toes Ted", after the fact that he always wears sweet smelling powders in his boots, thus keeping his toes as fresh as a fucking daisy. It is acceptable to make a mocking nickname that is longer than the name that it is nicking (i.e. Georgie Peoria.)
The people who made that commercial, obviously know nothing about selling items to the public. What they do know how to do is fucking piss me off. So, I decided to help those people get fired. For the lifespan of that commercial, I boycotted Subway. Maybe, if they aren't getting my money, then they will realize that Fresh Toes Ted is ignorant, and pull his sweet smelling feet off of my TV.
Commercials are supposed to make me want to buy stuff, not kill myself (unless it was an ad for something that would aide in me killing myself.) From now till the end of time, Fresh Toes Ted will be synonymous with advertising that should be shut down! Fresh Toes Ted will be the poster boy for People Against Stupid Television Advertising (PASTA.) Wherever Fresh Toes Ted appears, I will not be there, I will not be buying the product, I will be bloggin dat shit!
Separated at Birth?
I know, I know it's not really possible that John McCain, Republican Senator from Arizona and Presidential Candidate, and Saul Tigh, Colonel of the Colonial Fleet from Caprica and Executive Officer of the Battlestar Galactica, can really be separated from birth because they are from two different galaxies. But before you you totally blow me off here, consider these compelling similarities...
1) The uncanny physical resemblance; which I have provided the above pictures to exhibit. Although, while I will have to admit that it looks like Colonel Tigh did get the business end of the 'baldness stick' and Senator McCain did not, this may only indicate that they may not have shared the same birth mother. Which would destroy the premise of this post since they would have actually been 'born separately'. But then again, perhaps 'baldness' works differently in the Galaxy of the Twelve Colonies and is not connected to your maternal grandfather. Cursing apparently works differently (i.e. 'frak' vs. 'fuck'), so why not baldness? Who knows?
2) Both are former jet fighter pilots who served their respective countries/colonies in War. Interestingly, both McCain's A-4E Skyhawk, and Colonel Tigh's Colonial Viper, are attack air/space craft specifically designed to operate from air/space craft carriers.
3) Most intriguing, is the fact that both McCain and Tigh were at one time POW's. Senator McCain spent over five years captive in the infamous Hotel Hanoi, where he was regularly and savagely beaten. As a result, he is unable to raise his arms above his head. Colonel Tigh was an on again/off again prisoner of the dreaded Detention Facility on New Caprica where he was mercilessly tortured by his Cylon captors. As a result he is unable to see out of one side of his face.
4) Finally, both the hard-drinking, gruff, straight talking Colonel Tigh and the maverick, principled, straight talking John McCain are fictional characters.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Biloxi, before the hurricanes
drew6r19 + R D Hardcore + our mildy retarded friend.
retard is on the left, drew6r19 in the middle, R D Hardcore on the right.
Did you know...
that prior to the hurricanes, it was virtually impossible to purchase decent clay poker chips in Biloxi, MS?
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