As long as there was advertising, there were people getting pissed off about advertising. (See History of the Fucking World, v.3, pg.86)
In today's modern world, with so many things to sell, there aren't nearly enough salesmen around to sell it all. There are so many suckers with money, and so many hucksters who want to "huck the suck." See, the snake-oil salesmen of yesteryear have turned into a much more annoying species - the marketing exec. Let us all give a hand, a big thank you, to P. T. Barnum, the father of modern marketing. Now granted P.T. Barnum could sell trash to New Jersey (zing!), but those following in his footsteps are missing the mark.
Sometimes there is a television ad that is so ignorant, so mind numbing, so annoying, that it makes me want to hold a pillow over my face (and ears) for the length that it is on. If this causes me to die, so be it. But it usually doesn't, seeing as most ad spots are 30 seconds long. I can hold my breath for 34 seconds.
So, there exists that bad ad, right? And what does the company for whom the ad was created do? Make sure that the terrible ad is played about every 6 minutes. The repetition of the stupidity increases my anger, until the blood beneath the skin begins to metaphorically bubble.
That's where Mr. Fresh Toes Ted comes into play.
Fresh Toes Ted is the last man to appear on this Subway commercial (below.)
"14 stories below, they call me Mr. Fresh Toasted."
I don't know of any people out there that createe nicknames for people which are longer than the name they are nicking. I will assume that Mr. Fresh Toasted (5 syllables) is longer than either his first, last, or acceptable shortening of his first name. That is unless his name is Peedoocatzoodle (5 syllables) Afflamingobergy (6 Syllables). It is completely fucking absurd that anyone would ever refer to anyone as "Mr. Fresh Toasted." This lead me to believe that he wasn't saying "Fresh Toasted", but "Fresh Toes Ted", after the fact that he always wears sweet smelling powders in his boots, thus keeping his toes as fresh as a fucking daisy. It is acceptable to make a mocking nickname that is longer than the name that it is nicking (i.e. Georgie Peoria.)
The people who made that commercial, obviously know nothing about selling items to the public. What they do know how to do is fucking piss me off. So, I decided to help those people get fired. For the lifespan of that commercial, I boycotted Subway. Maybe, if they aren't getting my money, then they will realize that Fresh Toes Ted is ignorant, and pull his sweet smelling feet off of my TV.
Commercials are supposed to make me want to buy stuff, not kill myself (unless it was an ad for something that would aide in me killing myself.) From now till the end of time, Fresh Toes Ted will be synonymous with advertising that should be shut down! Fresh Toes Ted will be the poster boy for People Against Stupid Television Advertising (PASTA.) Wherever Fresh Toes Ted appears, I will not be there, I will not be buying the product, I will be bloggin dat shit!
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5 comments:
I too share your frustration but you maybe missing the bigger picture. Subway is not trying to sell YOU anything. They are trying to sell to the idiot hordes that their advertising firm (through countless focus groups and demographic studies)has told them this little steaming piece of shit will appeal to.
I think it would be safe to assume all advertising firms use focus groups, studies, etc. to come up with the 'beads and blanket' material that will appeal to the greater population at large.
Accepting that assumption and my personal opinion that 98% of all commercial advertising is mind numbing swag catered to absolute fucking idiots, one can only conclude (as I long have suspected) that this is a nation of complete moronic sheep.
Personally, however, I will take Mr. Fresh Toes, anyday over that ascot wearing asshole John Luvitz.
I would love to force Jerod, Mr. Toes and asshole to sodomize each other with a 12' ham and cheese at gunpoint. FREEESH!
Actually, this post has had the opposite effect for me. For some reason I really want to go to Subway for lunch. I swear to god that I have not 'eaten fresh' in a couple of years, but now I feel strangely compelled. Also, I would like to be permanently referred to as "Mr. Snicker Doodles" from now on. Or "Mr. Snicker Doos," so as not to anger R D Hardcore.
bmvr9,
I dont see how that ad could appeal to anyone aside from big fatty fat's like Mr Snicker Doos down there. It seems to me that the object of the ad is to tell fat people that Subway isnt just for health nut, "I like double meat, I like more chese, I like ranch dressing."
Now the Snicker Doos that lives in all of us perks up... More meat! More Cheese! More Ranch Dressing! You can hear your tummy rumbling... or is that blood trying to get through your partially clogged arteries?
Wait, wait, wait... You were saying I was thinking too much about this? Yeah, looks like I am guilty again.
Now I would like to thank Vicki Abernathy now. The lady who taught me how understand literary devices. But she never said - dont use them to analyze TV ads!
Holy fuck. I should just stop.
I am hungry.
But I am going to the kitchen and making a better sandwich, for cheaper.
Raleigh, I feel that you are incorrect in your assumption that nick-names have to be shorter than one's "real" name. I give, for example, a customer at the retail area of the company that I work (Continental Bakery) for: Señor Especial. That name, as far as my drunken brain can break down, is 6 syllables. As far as my research-assistants tell me 6 syllables meets, if not exceeds, the syllable criteria made by your blog entry. I don't actually know the guy's real name, I only know that this motherfucker pisses-off retail workers with all his specific requests. Now I also talked to a guy named Josh and he mentioned a person that he and his co-workers (from maybe subway or something like that) dubbed The Mud-Butt Bandit. Alright, I understand that you might not accept "the" as part of a nick name but FUCK YOU! it still makes 5 syllables.
What I think is mainly being talked about here is the idea that a nick name is a name that helps people from having to say someone's full name. I disagree with that idea whole-heartedly. Just to help out I'll mention that RD Hardcore = the syllable mass that is Rodney Hasty.
Lilblogger,
RD Hardcore is a pseudonym, a nom de plume, not a nickname. And Senor Especial - also not a nickname. But in my research recently, I have found that I have been wrong woah these many months. "Mr Fresh Toes Ted" can be considered a nickname. The definition states that a nickname is a shortening or lengthening of the proper name. For instance "Totally Gay Mark" would be a nickname. Although a not very cool one.
Also in my research, I upturned something that scared me. "Peg" is a shortened form of "Margaret"! IN WHAT CRAZY WORLD IS THIS LEGAL!? There are no P's in Margaret! There are no P's in Margaret! There are no cats in America! There's no crying in baseball!
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