Now, I know what some of you are going to say, "You insensitive prick, shame on you, don't you know that bums, hobos, and homeless people don't have high-speed internet access. So there is no way they would be able to benefit from your advice." To which I reply, "Please, concerned reader, there's no reason to get your panties in a wad." I am very much aware that bums, hobos, and homeless people are forced by there dire circumstances to use dial-up. It may take them 2o-25 minutes to load the damn page, but hell, its not like they got jobs to go to.
First off, a lot of people don't give out a single penny to any panhandlers under any circumstance. These type of people usually give some kind of self-righteous, patronizing excuse like, "Well, their just going to go spend it on booze anyway." To which I reply, "NO SHIT." If you were sleeping in a public park or sidewalk you can bet your ass you are going to be sucking down some cooking sherry or puffing on a crack pipe. It ain't camping motherfucker!
But thats not to say that every time somebody comes up to you asking for some money they instantly deserve it. This is where all the bums, hobos, and homeless people need to listen up, cause I'm talking to you! You best come correct with that shit! Below is an example of how NOT to get any money...
That is some weak ass bullshit. Do you know how many jackasses try to pull this same old tired crap? And don't try to get creative with this one either. For instance don't come up and tell me you are a 'youth director' and the church van has broken down and you need 'X' amount of money to get the right part to fix it. Bullshit. Where are all the 'jesus campers' you are suppose to be chaperoning if thats true? And why are you asking me outside of a liquor store at 3:24 in the morning?
Another classic variation of this is what I like to refer to as the Lost In America conundrum . This is when a dude in a Blimpes uniform comes up to you, and it goes a little something like this...
I can't get gas
cuz I ain't got no money
I can't get money
cuz I can't get to my job
I can't get to my job
cuz I don't have any gas
So I'm looking for a sucker with gas and a job to give me some money
Don't you know where you are?
Guess what, you where in a fucking Burger King uniform last week telling me the same damn sob story. And if you are that resourceful in obtaining different uniforms for your 'scam' on a weekly basis why cant you get a real job? So you know what, unless you look like this dude right here...
...don't bother asking.
Next, is the 'little black dress' of panhandling:
Let me tell ya something hobo, bum, or homeless person this ain't Pol Pot-era Cambodia, this is America, and we don't work for food in this country. We work for money so we can buy food. But you know this don't you. So why don't you stop beating around the bush and ask me for the damn money, already. If not, I'm going to take you up on your little offer. I'm going to take you to my office and you are going to do my shitty job, deal with my jerk-off boss and idiot co-workers. I will cash the paycheck and give you a bowl of rice for your efforts. Sounds pretty ridiculous doesn't it? Thats because it is.
By now it should become apparent what it takes to get my change purse out. Honesty. For example, this WILL get you some money...
No sir, you are not bullshitting me and that will get you a dollar. But you may be stretching it if you think that money is going to get you a hooker. But what ever gets you through the day, buddy.
Another good way of cashing in is to go with something that is a little more humorous. Take this little gem of hobo humor for example...
Give me a little giggle, and I will give you a little jingle. Simple as that.
Another great way to panhandle successfully is to ask for an exact amount of currency. For instance, rather than "Got any change?" why not try, "Do you have 23 cents?" I guarantee you will catch your target off guard enough for them to actually engage you and ask, "Why?" This is when you reply, "Cause thats all I need to get a bottle." Not only are you being honest, but you are now exhibiting a goal-oriented attitude with a proven track record demonstrating ability to meet fiscal quotas and targets! Organize with some of your other bum or hobo pals to do this on a larger scale and you are demonstrating leadership ability to direct and supervise staff. Show the world that you are a 'pick yourself up from your boot straps' detail oriented and organized self-starter. My God Man, with a shit, shave, and shower you are ready to interview for that junior financial analyst position at Merrill Lynch...uh well, we may be getting a little ahead of ourselves. Probably should start with that shit, shave, and shower first and maybe work on a permanent address to put on the application that does not include the words 'Mission' or 'Shelter' in the title.
Anyway, those are only a few helpful 'dos' and 'dont's' when you are looking to score some change from me or anyone else. And to all of those assholes out there who don't help out a brotha when they in the gutta, remember this: In a capatilist society we all serve a function no matter how fair or unfair it may be. Yours is to help people out every now and then with a little Christian charity. Bums, Hobos, and Homeless people you here to make us feel better about ourselves with signs like this...
7 comments:
Dear Drew:
I do enjoy that one shuckster who hangs around the Southside/Downtown area with his partner in crime (a lady of questionable morals) about 3 steps behind him at all times, even when he's doing his well-known "I'm just trying to get to my first day at Subway, see my uniform?" routine. Once Glenny gave him and his lady a WHOLE GRILLED CHICKEN, as they insisted all they wanted was food and they disdainfully tried to return it. Another time I was down on 22nd Ave N helping someone take some pictures and they came ambling over. He had barely started his spiel when I said I didn't have any cash. He got all offended and finally I said, "I've seen you for the past 2 nights and you've asked for money." He just walked awaym his Crack-Shadow following.
Ethel
Tried and true method. When you see them making the approach gearing up for the ask, simply beat them to the punch by asking them for money. Totally throws them for a loop. I actually had a guy (southside guy needing to have an eye surgery) try and call my bluff by offering me about 75 cents out of his pocket. I proceeded to call his bluff and took the change.
I disagree with the "Explicit Amount of Money" approach. We have one of those friendly striped-polo shirt meth-heads in our neighborhood who does that but he always calls everybody "Boss," which is off-putting and then promptly asks for $0.81 for gas. It doesn't actually work if it's the same increment of change. But maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt, because after all it could be the cost-plus-tax of a Black and Mild or something.
Natalie,
I agree, this particular instance does not seem to go under the premise of being honest. If he asked for the 81 cents and told you it was for a black and mild cigar than I would say go for it. Or if he is just straight up and tells you it is for some "tina" i.e. meth, than you should also go ahead and give him some money, and proceed to to get as far away from him as possible.
My true and tried method for all attacks is to slow down or stop and pat my pants pockets like I am checking for something then say, Next time and walk away. Everytime I come across them even if it is 5 or more times a day,my response is the routine followed by "next time".I also follow their usually sarcastic God bless you with my No,,God bless you!... After a while the more persistant types usually get the point and shut up when they see me coming. I am also ready for them on holidays especially christmas because they usually think that one is at such times definitely a soft touch. In those cases I just look at them without saying anything as I walk past staring as if they are strange......
Good day !.
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