That's right folks! I spent last weekend doing what no one else in America was doing, not watching Spiderman 3. And in not watching the movie, I wrote down a few little notes to share.
Spiderman 3 -- the Math
Now being a person with an above average mathematical brain, it is easy for me to find the see the mathematic symbolism behind Hollywood. In this movie, it breaks down to:
Spiderman
+
Spiderman 2
=
Spiderman 3
That is why NYC is overrun with three Spidermen in this movie. It is found that due to a little known fact of spider genetic mutations, when a spider is not able to sexually reproduce (or, MJ is being a prude, if you will) spiders will basically spout off clones of itself to keep the species alive. I say "basically" because the clones are never 100% the same as the original. (Remember Michael Keaton) That is why the 2 other Spidermen to come from Spiderman are different colors, one black, one blue. It is also shown that they have slightly different personalities. While the Black Spiderman adores a minuet, The Ballet Russes, and crepe suzette. The Blue Spiderman loves to rock'n'roll, and a hot dog makes him lose control. And the red, original, Spiderman keeps a happy medium between the two, thus making him the mediator of the many squabbles happening over the Spiderman family dinner table.
Spiderman 3 -- the Romance
AKA Geometric Shapes of Love
Sam Raimi, being the sly one he is, tries to conceal his use of geometric figures as valuable plot devices. Yes, it has been done many times prior, but never has it been hidden under the guise of Spidermen and a Goblin. That's where I come in. I am able to decipher that tangled web. Basically you have 5 main characters - Red Spiderman, Black Spiderman, Blue Spiderman, Goblin, and MJ. And depending where you put them on your diagram, you can get many different shapes as a result. But I believe I have the proper analysis: Red loves MJ, Goblin loves MJ, MJ has it for the mysterious Black, and Blue also loves Black. Black, like his pal Morrissey and other beautiful British boys prior, proclaims to be asexual. Now it should be becoming clear to you that this is a Love Rhombus. Yes, the black sheep of the parallelogram family! So many times rhombi have felt lonely in the quadrilateral world. Rhombi are shunned by the squares (technically all squares are rhombi,) who choose to buddy-up with rectangles, because of their 90-degree angles. Rhombi are usually exiled to hang out with the ugliest shapes ever - trapezoids. But so much mystery and intrigue can be captured by the rhombus, and its four equal sides. That is why Raimi chose the shape to represent romantic side of the film.
Spiderman 3 -- the Magic
The Magic. By that, I am not referring to the people with superhuman powers, but the magic of the storytelling genre of film. The days of the storyteller are long gone, but we still have glimmers of hope. I would call this, not a glimmer, but, a glare! Who would have thought that Red Spiderman would sink into a powerful bout of Multiple Personality Disorder, not knowing whether he was Red, Black, Blue, or MJ. The psychological implications went guano-crazy when the real Blue Spiderman killed MJ and himself. That's what a Love Rhombus can do to a guy! Blue kills MJ to keep her away from Black, and then finally himself due to unrequited love. True Shakespearean beauty! Red, with an already damaged psyche, falls deeper into psychosis when Blue kills MJ and himself. The question on every one's mind, if Red were to switch personalities into one of the dead people, what would happen? That is a question that will have to wait for Spiderman 4: Citizens on Patrol. Due to this film being set in a comic book universe, mental hospitals are usually occupied by defeated arch-villains and arch-villains yet to come. Which means that Red cannot be checked into one. This forces Black to effectively become Red's man- servant - once again using the stereotype of the asexual British butler. With that heap of magical storytelling, it doesn't hold a candle to the ending storyline of Goblin. How amazing was it!? How truly great was it!? How fucking beautiful was it when Goblin moved to Italy and started writing horror movie soundtracks?! That is motherfucking magical storytelling!
Overall, my rating is:
ALL THUMBS
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2 comments:
Evan and I were recently talking about shapes. I said I really liked rhombi, that they are one of my favorites. ( I generally prefer quadrilaterals. )
And Evan said, "A rhombus is just a gayed up square."
True.
Yeah, that sounds like some gayed up shit Evan would say.
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