Black Friday

DAWN

OF THE

DEAD

Thanksgiving

Energy Drinks

I normally never drink power/energy drinks because they just look stupid to me. The only energy drink I consume on a regular basis is a half case of Miller High Life. But I have found a new product that really knocked my socks off...literally. Check it out.



They also have other flavors you might want try as well.



Cheers.

What people are thinking?

Or

What are people thinking?


Today, on a whim, I looked at three different search engines' top searches of the day. I was baffled by the results. Speaking of the results, here they are:

Chelsea Clinton
active volcanos
synaesthesia

I think there is an underlying link between the three. What is it? I think if we solve this puzzle, the worlds unknowns shall fall at our feet. We shall create a new secret society to protect our knowledge, and in hundreds of years, independant wrestling shows will be held in our meeting halls and our descendants will drive around in small automobiles.

Talking Shit

A real list of things I have really said in real chat that relate to poop.


me: because i was just thinking that for a moment... maybe i will eat nothing but raspberries for 2 weeks, and my poop will be the dip
Statley: i think that regardless of what you eat, your poop will still be rife with dead red blood cells. and, of course, that mucus coating.

yeah. i dont get turned on by pooping or poop

i know what that poop is. holy F, i have no rolaids

when you smell my poop smell, you forget everything

wow. you know, i never realized how bad maxims writing was until recently. i could shit circles around these turdturders

i felt like 3 turds in a 2-turd-sized duffle bag yesterday.

A Moment of Silence

Let's all have a moment of silence for Marcel Marceau (1923 - 2007).

A long, long time ago...

   Before computers were able to visually represent real-life things...
          ___
      /    ()   \
   _|_______|_
  |  |    === | |
  |_|     O    |_|
    ||     O    ||
    ||__ *__ ||
   |~ \___/ ~|
   /=\ /=\ /=\
   [_]_[_]_[_]

There was ASCII - the American Standard Code for Information Interchange.  Basically, it is the accumlation of all things you can make on your standard keyboard.  

In the days prior to fancy EGA graphics cards and  MS Paint  people would tirelessly try to visually represent the 
world using creative ASCII manipulation.  But this was usually limited to
simple pictures of a rose, or maybe a crude looking face... That is until...
A single man, used the force and created...

http://www.asciimation.co.nz/

ENJOY!

Funniest Video Ever???

I think this may be the funniest video I have ever seen. It combines two of my favorite things in the world...making fun of the commander-in-chief and zombies!!!
Enjoy.



Viva la Crisco!!!

Back to School!

In light of the crappy shape of the mortgage backed securities market, I have been thinking about going back to school. While doing a little research today, I think I have found where I want to go. Check it out!!!!!



This is suppose to be the part where I make fun of whatever picture/video that I post after my sarcastic intro, but not today. The pure gayness of the previous clip has left me speechless. This piss poor attempt at a recruitment video has had the exact opposite intended effect on me. Rather than further my education, I think I would rather be an illiterate wolf boy preying on co-eds instead. Lights Out!!!

By Cook or By Crook

I love to say "I told you so."  So, I will now.  Dane Cook is a chode.  And I knew it all along.
(warning cross-promotional shameless plug ahead.)

http://www.hanklazard.com/podcast.html

Check Season 2, Episode 27.  The cast and crew of the Hank Lazard Show Podcast (of which I am a member) discuss whether or not Dane Cook is legally a chode.  The consensus is "Yes, he is."  Now as the news floods in about Dane Cook stealing jokes, I find my original statement even more true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ_710y4vR4

Now, here is a youtube "video."  I use the term video loosely, since it is audio accompanied by a slideshow of text, instead of actualy moving images.  But I digress, listen to the "video" it makes a decent case for Cook's chodeness... But that is not what captivated my eyeballs for more than 27 minutes.  It is the seas and seas of comments on the "video."  Legions of Cook fans come out of the woodworks (or electronworks as the case may be) to stand up for their favorite stand up comedian.  These glimmering golden turds are worth a read, but allow me to shine a light on a few of my favs:

"ok buddy keep bangin that dictionary"

"OMFG, you must have no fucking life to go through this shit and try to make people believe that dane stole some faggots jokes."

"2) i ve heard simular things many time
3) THEY ARE DIFFRENT maybe only slightly but sense he changed them there diffrenet"

"i think ur a faggot"

"OMG that shit aint even fuckin close to DANE COOK...this LOUIS CK dude SUCKS ASS....DANE is the BEST...EVEN if he DID JOCK this dude...DANE TELL'S JOKES WAYYYYYYY BETTER"

It gets better.

But all of this made me ponder... and wonder... and thinkify... and brainilate... and mindmind... and brainmindmind... and brainmindmindmind.  Then it hit me!

There is a supersecret special brain control device, or maybe some sort of occult magic (or magick) spell that is used to turn the masses into the igonrant masses.  So many people become mindless (and mindmindless) and take this castor oil of comedy?  It reminds me of another time in history... but it wasn't comedy, it was nazism.

Look at these similarities:




The two charismatics use the same arm motions while loads of people hang on their every word.




The followers of each like to shave their heads and adorn themselves with the logo of their master.

This is all pretty scary, right?  Be afraid of Dane Cook fans.  Soon they will be forming prison gangs and end up torturing their victims with verbatim recounting of the bootleg Cook Live in Branson bootleg CD they bought off of a street vendor in Niagra Falls for 30 Canadian Dollars.

***
Interesting side story here.  I was Google Image searching for fans of Dane Cook and then searching seperately for neo-nazi's.  Both searches turned up the same picture of John Lennon laying naked with Yoko Ono.  What does John Lennon and Yoko Ono have to do with Nazism and Dane Cook?  I will let you, Dear Readers, to research that yourself, and tell me.  I am too busy jerking off to internet porn to do research.

Reaffirming Social Stereotypes

New Feature for Bad Guy Reaction!!! Yeah!!! Hell, a new post at that!!! Yeah!!! Hopefully, some of you still read this blog even though there has not been too much posting lately. To which I apologize. I have been unemployed and busy living off the government dole by playing video games and growing my beard out. Anyway, on to the subject at hand. If you ever had any doubts that jocks (especially of the Caucasian sort) are complete douches then you should check this out...



My god, it is so painful to watch...yet, like a retarded child, I cant seem to look away. Anyway, this heaping pile of nu-metal shit is brought to you courtesy of the Eastside Catholic High School Crusaders. Apparently, No one can hit, run, or get hair highlights quite like the Crusaders. Although, I will agree with the metro sexual message of there creed (more implied) I would have to disagree with the other assumptions made about there football prowess. Obviously, they are a little to young to remember this...



Thats correct folks thats the boys from this smash 80s hit...



Anyway, I would love to see the Crusaders play the Wildcats. I can only imagine it would go a little something like this...



I know, I know, it doesn't make that much sense. I wanted to post the Football scene from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" where Forest Whitaker unleashes hell on Lincoln High, but it wasn't on YouTube. Instead I went for slow mo footage of vicious pee-wee football hits, which are FUCKING AWESOME!!! Cheers.

I want to marry this woman.

If you haven't seen this, you need to give it a look. Mika Brzezinski refuses to report the inane horse shit daily spewed on mainstream 24 hour news channels.



I don't know about you but I am so fucking sick of Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and their ilk constantly being reported when we are in a sham war and our liberties at home are being stripped daily by a cynical and ignorant administration. I mean FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!!! Isn't there some missing white girl out there we can care about???? Oh yeah, I forgot they found her body and the black boyfriend did it. FFFFFUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!! I mean surely there is some D-list celebrity out there that has overdosed on oxycotin and bon bons, right???? FuckFuckFuckFuckFuck...FFFFUUUUCCCKK!!!!! Any way hats off to Mika, lets hope she doesn't get fired for refusing to dumb down the American public.

Breaking Down Racial Stereotypes: Part IV

Since RD Hardcore hijacked my shtick in his last post, I have been trying to hold back in the fourth installment of the 'Stereotype' series. Unfortunately, all my ideas for posts have been to long winded for my lazy ass to write. So here goes...

Don't think Indians (feather not dot) can dance? Check this shit out.



My God, does that song fucking rock my tomahawk. Anyway, you just got served, Kemo Sabe.

Breaking Down Racial (and Musical) Stereotypes

Do you think that only black folks can beatbox?
Do you think that beatboxing is only for hip hop?

May these videos change your mind.







Yes, Virginia, there is a French beatboxer.  Every time you hear a beatbox Billie Jean, an angel gets a nose job.

Can we give Dubbya, Bono's job? Please?

Not sure if anyone else has seen this, but I think it is fucking hilarious, so to bad. Sit back and enjoy.



I know the standard thing to say would be something like, "Don't quit your day job." But, in Dubbya's case I think it would actually be a good idea. And besides I find Bono's constant flashing of the "peace" hand signal while he wears those same stupid black goggle/sunglasses he's been wearing since "Achtung Baby," as annoying as Duddya's constant fucking up of...well, everything. And while we're at maybe we can get Cheney to play keyboards or something. To dare to dream.

Would you listen to this band?

I know that I would. R2-D2 rocking on the sysentsizer, Darth Vader on the monster Bass, Hans Solo'ing' on a Flying V...fuck yeah!!! They would definitely be some kind of 'space-prog rock.' What I really want to see is the VH1 "Behind the Music" special on these guys, or even a battle of the bands between them and Star Trek or Battlestar Galactica. I just hope George Lucas is no longer managing these guys. You know he would put together a reunion tour and it would suck dick.

Yesterday, All My Dreams Were So Far Away....

I was going through some boxes the other day when I found this photo of me and RD Hardcore back when we first meet in Middle School...



Ah yes, those were the salad days.

Breaking Down Racial Stereotypes: Part III

Think all black guys can dance? Well check this shit out...



Now, I know that this doesn't exactly prove that all black guys can't dance but it does prove that these particular black guys surely can not. And the reason is that the above is not dancing but dry humping ...an ottoman...and a mirror...and a door...and a lamp. I don't think I have seen anything this disturbing since that scene in "Fried Green Tomatoes," where a group of overweight, middle-aged white women look at their vagina's with a hand mirror. Gives me the shivers every time. Which leads me to wonder if this type of "dancing" will be the inspiration for another urban teen dance movie a la "You Got Served," and if so what would the title be? If anyone has any idea's please leave a comment. You just got served.

Review of a Movie I Haven't Seen - Spiderman 3

That's right folks! I spent last weekend doing what no one else in America was doing, not watching Spiderman 3. And in not watching the movie, I wrote down a few little notes to share.


Spiderman 3 -- the Math

Now being a person with an above average mathematical brain, it is easy for me to find the see the mathematic symbolism behind Hollywood. In this movie, it breaks down to:

Spiderman
+
Spiderman 2
=
Spiderman 3

That is why NYC is overrun with three Spidermen in this movie. It is found that due to a little known fact of spider genetic mutations, when a spider is not able to sexually reproduce (or, MJ is being a prude, if you will) spiders will basically spout off clones of itself to keep the species alive. I say "basically" because the clones are never 100% the same as the original. (Remember Michael Keaton) That is why the 2 other Spidermen to come from Spiderman are different colors, one black, one blue. It is also shown that they have slightly different personalities. While the Black Spiderman adores a minuet, The Ballet Russes, and crepe suzette. The Blue Spiderman loves to rock'n'roll, and a hot dog makes him lose control. And the red, original, Spiderman keeps a happy medium between the two, thus making him the mediator of the many squabbles happening over the Spiderman family dinner table.


Spiderman 3 -- the Romance
AKA Geometric Shapes of Love

Sam Raimi, being the sly one he is, tries to conceal his use of geometric figures as valuable plot devices. Yes, it has been done many times prior, but never has it been hidden under the guise of Spidermen and a Goblin. That's where I come in. I am able to decipher that tangled web. Basically you have 5 main characters - Red Spiderman, Black Spiderman, Blue Spiderman, Goblin, and MJ. And depending where you put them on your diagram, you can get many different shapes as a result. But I believe I have the proper analysis: Red loves MJ, Goblin loves MJ, MJ has it for the mysterious Black, and Blue also loves Black. Black, like his pal Morrissey and other beautiful British boys prior, proclaims to be asexual. Now it should be becoming clear to you that this is a Love Rhombus. Yes, the black sheep of the parallelogram family! So many times rhombi have felt lonely in the quadrilateral world. Rhombi are shunned by the squares (technically all squares are rhombi,) who choose to buddy-up with rectangles, because of their 90-degree angles. Rhombi are usually exiled to hang out with the ugliest shapes ever - trapezoids. But so much mystery and intrigue can be captured by the rhombus, and its four equal sides. That is why Raimi chose the shape to represent romantic side of the film.


Spiderman 3 -- the Magic

The Magic. By that, I am not referring to the people with superhuman powers, but the magic of the storytelling genre of film. The days of the storyteller are long gone, but we still have glimmers of hope. I would call this, not a glimmer, but, a glare! Who would have thought that Red Spiderman would sink into a powerful bout of Multiple Personality Disorder, not knowing whether he was Red, Black, Blue, or MJ. The psychological implications went guano-crazy when the real Blue Spiderman killed MJ and himself. That's what a Love Rhombus can do to a guy! Blue kills MJ to keep her away from Black, and then finally himself due to unrequited love. True Shakespearean beauty! Red, with an already damaged psyche, falls deeper into psychosis when Blue kills MJ and himself. The question on every one's mind, if Red were to switch personalities into one of the dead people, what would happen? That is a question that will have to wait for Spiderman 4: Citizens on Patrol. Due to this film being set in a comic book universe, mental hospitals are usually occupied by defeated arch-villains and arch-villains yet to come. Which means that Red cannot be checked into one. This forces Black to effectively become Red's man- servant - once again using the stereotype of the asexual British butler. With that heap of magical storytelling, it doesn't hold a candle to the ending storyline of Goblin. How amazing was it!? How truly great was it!? How fucking beautiful was it when Goblin moved to Italy and started writing horror movie soundtracks?! That is motherfucking magical storytelling!


Overall, my rating is:
ALL THUMBS

Breaking Down Racial Stereotypes: Part II

Think Indian little people can't dance? And by Indian, I mean 'dot' not 'feather.' And by little people, I mean 'midget.' Then check this shit out...



The best part is the way this little guy talks like an Indian version of Alvin from the Chipmunks. Look at him smoke that little spliff in the end!!! Oh yeah, almost forgot...you just got served.

An Open Letter to NBC 13 (with commentary)

Before I get to the letter, I should tell you, dear readers, of the actions taken by NBC 13 News that made them worthy of my scathing tounge lashes.

NBC 13 News aired a wonderful segment last night - "Does God Want You to Pay Taxes?" - in lieu of actual news, or even fake human interest news. The segment features "journalist" Mike Royer interviewing a scatterbrained employee of the UA School of Law. The lady, speaking like a bad evangelical preacher, rambled on about greed. Mike Royer responds with how much time and money he has given to his church and other charities. What this has to do with taxes, I don't know. Supposedly, this law person had been doing years of research on the subject (the details were never discussed.) She only quoted Genesis, and only spoke of greed. How does wanting to keep your earnings be considered greed? Royer did mention the famous Bible quote "Give unto God what is God's, Give unto Ceaser what is Ceaser's." He then followed up saying that his interviewee stated that the verse does not mean what most people think it means (i.e. God says paying taxes are okay.) But they never go into what that verse is supposed to mean. All in all, they never answered the question. They only touched on greed v. giving to the needy. But that is only a small part of what your taxes goto - lest we forget that are taxes are paying for roads, cops, oversea wars, etc.

Aside from all of that, the question is assinine! There is a seperation of church and state. It doesn't matter what the hell any God has to say about taxes. We live in a country where we are obligated by law to give a portion of our wages (provided you aren't as poor as I am) to the government - no matter what any imaginary being has to say about it.

Without further adieu, here is the letter that I sent to NBC 13.

Does God really want you to keep making stories like this?

This is regarding your "news" story "Does God want you to pay taxes?" I'd like to thank you for squandering a few minutes of valuable TV time set aside to inform the local people of things going on in the world. I especially like the way you cut short the story about new pet foods being recalled. Maybe next week my cats will fall dead.

But seriously, what did you think this would accomplish? There is a separation of church and state. We live in a country where we are obligated by law to pay taxes. So, it doesn't matter whether or not the Bible were to say anything about taxes.

Could you have found a more scatterbrained "expert" on the subject. For someone supposedly doing research on the topic of Alabama Taxes and the Bible, she just rambled on about greed. Wouldn't one think that if one had years of research on the subject, they would be able to quote more than a single verse in Genesis.

Not only did you not answer the question that nobody wanted answered, but you have helped central Alabamians remain ignorant of the world outside. That's right, keep us stupid and we might not realize that your program isn't news and isn't entertaining.

Separated at Birth? Pt. II

While trolling around the internet today I happened upon this gem from Portland rapper Laz-D, who happens to have downs syndrome.

While watching the video, it took me about all of 5 seconds to realize that Laz-D and grill wearing, Houston based rapper Paul Wall must have been separated at birth. Now I know what you are going to say, "Aren't all white rappers retarded?" To which I will reply, "Well, you may have a point...but ultimately, NO." Hip Hop artists such as Necro, MC Paul Barman, Sucka MCs, Grand Buffet and the Beastie Boys tend to buck the trend of the stupidity of 'white rappers.' But unfortunately, Paul Wall does not. In fact I'm not sure if these two guys are separated at birth, or its just the case that Paul Wall is straight up retarded. Take this picture for instance.



Or hell, check this one out...




What a spazz. Shit, just do a Google image search of this guy, they are all pretty tardy looking, if you ask me. This may explain why Paul Wall likes shiny metal objects so much. I also found further evidence below.

Thanks for the advice on picking up the shorties, Paul!!! I would have thought that a good way to pick up girls is not to talk like a complete fucking idiot. Goes to show what I know. In another segment of this web show, Paul enlightens us upon the life changing aspects of fatherhood, when he states, "one of the things that change about you is organization in your bedroom." What the fuck? Thats the best he could come up with? I bet it really sucks when you have to share your toys with you kid too, huh Paul? I know you bought those diamond encrusted Tonka Trucks, but you really should share with your three year old, buddy.

I guess I should be careful what I say since according to this video, Paul Wall is quite the internet guru cause hes got the 'internet goin nutz'...

Hope you like the blog, Paul Wall...you retarded jackass.

Power of the Penis!

Dear Readers of Bad Guy Reaction,

A delightful video from our friends down at YouTube was brought to my attention today.  I felt that I had to share this with you, Dear Readers.  I also felt that just putting up a link to a video is bad blog etiquette.  I suppose that you come here to read our often comical takes on the world at large (or because we badgered you enough that you finally came to the site.)  But I figure you don't spend that valuable time of yours between submitting pre-quals, toasting bagels, and taking your hourly shits to see "Hey, I found a funny picture of a ____fill in animal here___ with huge nutz. LOL."  So that brought me to, maybe I will make a insightful comment on the video, and drop a joke or two.  But as the video carried on, I found that nothing I could type could bring any more enjoyment to you, Dear Readers.

Without further adieu,
I present to you

Vagina Power with Alexyss Tyler!




(Does she have a little bit of an Ilsa thing going on in the second one? Oh, no, she is a pilot, not an SS)

Racial Profiling & Netflix: A Chilling Expose

See below the "Breaking Down Racial Stereotypes" post, please.

Thanks
drew6r19

Breaking Down Racial Stereotypes

Don't think white people can dance? Check this shit out...



You just got served.

Racial Profiling & Netflix: A Chilling Expose

Now, I will have to admit something at the outset. This 'expose' is not quite as 'chilling' or 'in dept' as the title may lead you to believe. But I do have a couple of 'nippy' examples of questionable if not dubious Netflix 'suggestions' I recently received. For those of you not familiar with the whole Netflix phenomena you might want to get your head out of your ass. But to make a long story short, it has software that suggests "Movies You'll Love" based on movies you indicated that you 'enjoyed' through its movie ranking system. And I am calling that 'software' out as a bigot. That may be a bit harsh. It may be more of a case of inadvertent cultural insensitivity brought on by ignorance, and I'm sure some of the Netflix "Movies You'll Love" softwares' best friends are DOS programs, but that is not an acceptable excuse for biggoted movie recommedations. Anyway, here is the first suspicious recommendation that caught my attention.

Example number one.

In the above example, the movie "Akeelah and the Bee" is suggested because i enjoyed the movie "Malcolm X." If you are not familiar with the movie "Malcolm X" it is the story of the late Civil Rights leader, Malcolm X, and his journey from a two bit hoodlum to a militant black separatist via the Nation of Islam and his eventual rejection of the latter's principles resulting in his assassination. If you are not familiar with the movie "Akeelah and the Bee," it is the story of a girl who goes to the national spelling bee.

Not really seeing a similarity or logical reason why these two movies may be linked to one another? Let me help you out...there isn't one. Except for the fact that there's 'Black Folk' in both. What is even more egregious is the fact that "Akeelah and the Bee," isn't even suggested because of an array of other films I enjoyed. Nope, just "Malcolm X".

Example number two.

This next one is stand up comedy from comedian, Katt Williams. I like Katt Williams. But thats not to say I see where Malcolm X would like Katt Williams. The majority of Katts' stand up, as you may have gathered from the movies title, is about 'pimps' and 'hoe's.' Granted Malcolm Little certainly sported his fair share of zoot suits and referred to himself as a hustler back in the day, but I highly doubt Malcolm X would find 'pimps' and 'hoes' humorous after he found the honorable Elijah Muhammad and converted to the Nation of Islam. I guess other than the fact that they are both black men, Netflixs "Movies You'll Love" software, must think they are cousins as well.

Which leads me to the question..."Whats next"? For instance, lets say I rate the Disney movie "Aladdin" highly on Netflix...



Will I get a suggestion along the lines of this?



While I'm sure that some of Netflixs "Movies You'll Love" softwares' best friends are also virus programs, I would have to imagine that it also loves Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity as well.

Although, I have not pushed the speed dial to Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson to spearhead a grassroots campaign to get the "Movies You'll Love" software fired from Netflixs just yet, I will be keeping a close eye on its future recommedations.

If anyone else has any examples of bigotted Netflix suggestions please leave a comment.

Review of a Movie I Haven't Seen: 300

It seems that everybody with $8.50 USD, a few hours to spare, and access to the internet have been blogging their reviews of the newest Frank Miller foray into digital moving pictures. But I myself do not have the money, the time, or internet access. So I haven't seen 300, and I won't blog my review.

That being said. Here is my review of a movie that I haven't seen.

I think the reactions of the undertones of American xenophobia in the film were greatly overblown. Every bowling team has to bowl against another team. Think the Dude v. the Jesus. So those Romans (good guys) have to beat the Islams (bad guys.) It blew me out of the mind when the bad guys actually bowled that perfect game. Then Xerses started that pop group with his gal pals, and got addicted to over-the-counter caffiene pills. Then he sent that letter, but it went to some gay guy two years ago, when bowling wasn't invented yet. So he got in that phone booth and went back to make out with that guy and invent bowling, so that there could be the first Olympics.

Overall I think it was a magical journey into the heart of a group of ragtag bowlers who invented time travel and the Olympics. There should be a sequal made, 301 where the reinvent future bowling so that a perefect score is 301.

I give it 7 out of 4 thumbs.

An Inspirational Message from BGR

A small 'pick me up' for everybody out there. No matter how hard the world may be. No matter how much injustice, hate, anger and ugliness is out there. No matter how much the world may continue to knock you down. Always remember that somewhere over the rainbow there is always a 'pot of gold' awaiting you...

Some candid advice for Bums, Hobos, and Homeless People

Inspired by the Wino Sign Awards , I began to reflect on what it takes for me to actually part with my hard earned money and give it to the less fortuanate. As a result I have decided to bestow some of this wisdom upon those who need it the most. So listen up all you bums, hobos, and homeless people, I'm about to give you the straight scoop on getting your hands into my pockets!!! Not literally of course, that would be an entirely different subject.

Now, I know what some of you are going to say, "You insensitive prick, shame on you, don't you know that bums, hobos, and homeless people don't have high-speed internet access. So there is no way they would be able to benefit from your advice." To which I reply, "Please, concerned reader, there's no reason to get your panties in a wad." I am very much aware that bums, hobos, and homeless people are forced by there dire circumstances to use dial-up. It may take them 2o-25 minutes to load the damn page, but hell, its not like they got jobs to go to.

First off, a lot of people don't give out a single penny to any panhandlers under any circumstance. These type of people usually give some kind of self-righteous, patronizing excuse like, "Well, their just going to go spend it on booze anyway." To which I reply, "NO SHIT." If you were sleeping in a public park or sidewalk you can bet your ass you are going to be sucking down some cooking sherry or puffing on a crack pipe. It ain't camping motherfucker!

But thats not to say that every time somebody comes up to you asking for some money they instantly deserve it. This is where all the bums, hobos, and homeless people need to listen up, cause I'm talking to you! You best come correct with that shit! Below is an example of how NOT to get any money...



That is some weak ass bullshit. Do you know how many jackasses try to pull this same old tired crap? And don't try to get creative with this one either. For instance don't come up and tell me you are a 'youth director' and the church van has broken down and you need 'X' amount of money to get the right part to fix it. Bullshit. Where are all the 'jesus campers' you are suppose to be chaperoning if thats true? And why are you asking me outside of a liquor store at 3:24 in the morning?

Another classic variation of this is what I like to refer to as the Lost In America conundrum . This is when a dude in a Blimpes uniform comes up to you, and it goes a little something like this...

I can't get gas
cuz I ain't got no money
I can't get money
cuz I can't get to my job
I can't get to my job
cuz I don't have any gas
So I'm looking for a sucker with gas and a job to give me some money
Don't you know where you are?

Guess what, you where in a fucking Burger King uniform last week telling me the same damn sob story. And if you are that resourceful in obtaining different uniforms for your 'scam' on a weekly basis why cant you get a real job? So you know what, unless you look like this dude right here...



...don't bother asking.

Next, is the 'little black dress' of panhandling:



Let me tell ya something hobo, bum, or homeless person this ain't Pol Pot-era Cambodia, this is America, and we don't work for food in this country. We work for money so we can buy food. But you know this don't you. So why don't you stop beating around the bush and ask me for the damn money, already. If not, I'm going to take you up on your little offer. I'm going to take you to my office and you are going to do my shitty job, deal with my jerk-off boss and idiot co-workers. I will cash the paycheck and give you a bowl of rice for your efforts. Sounds pretty ridiculous doesn't it? Thats because it is.

By now it should become apparent what it takes to get my change purse out. Honesty. For example, this WILL get you some money...



No sir, you are not bullshitting me and that will get you a dollar. But you may be stretching it if you think that money is going to get you a hooker. But what ever gets you through the day, buddy.

Another good way of cashing in is to go with something that is a little more humorous. Take this little gem of hobo humor for example...



Give me a little giggle, and I will give you a little jingle. Simple as that.

Another great way to panhandle successfully is to ask for an exact amount of currency. For instance, rather than "Got any change?" why not try, "Do you have 23 cents?" I guarantee you will catch your target off guard enough for them to actually engage you and ask, "Why?" This is when you reply, "Cause thats all I need to get a bottle." Not only are you being honest, but you are now exhibiting a goal-oriented attitude with a proven track record demonstrating ability to meet fiscal quotas and targets! Organize with some of your other bum or hobo pals to do this on a larger scale and you are demonstrating leadership ability to direct and supervise staff. Show the world that you are a 'pick yourself up from your boot straps' detail oriented and organized self-starter. My God Man, with a shit, shave, and shower you are ready to interview for that junior financial analyst position at Merrill Lynch...uh well, we may be getting a little ahead of ourselves. Probably should start with that shit, shave, and shower first and maybe work on a permanent address to put on the application that does not include the words 'Mission' or 'Shelter' in the title.

Anyway, those are only a few helpful 'dos' and 'dont's' when you are looking to score some change from me or anyone else. And to all of those assholes out there who don't help out a brotha when they in the gutta, remember this: In a capatilist society we all serve a function no matter how fair or unfair it may be. Yours is to help people out every now and then with a little Christian charity. Bums, Hobos, and Homeless people you here to make us feel better about ourselves with signs like this...

The Search for Fresh Toes Ted

As long as there was advertising, there were people getting pissed off about advertising. (See History of the Fucking World, v.3, pg.86)

In today's modern world, with so many things to sell, there aren't nearly enough salesmen around to sell it all. There are so many suckers with money, and so many hucksters who want to "huck the suck." See, the snake-oil salesmen of yesteryear have turned into a much more annoying species - the marketing exec. Let us all give a hand, a big thank you, to P. T. Barnum, the father of modern marketing. Now granted P.T. Barnum could sell trash to New Jersey (zing!), but those following in his footsteps are missing the mark.

Sometimes there is a television ad that is so ignorant, so mind numbing, so annoying, that it makes me want to hold a pillow over my face (and ears) for the length that it is on. If this causes me to die, so be it. But it usually doesn't, seeing as most ad spots are 30 seconds long. I can hold my breath for 34 seconds.

So, there exists that bad ad, right? And what does the company for whom the ad was created do? Make sure that the terrible ad is played about every 6 minutes. The repetition of the stupidity increases my anger, until the blood beneath the skin begins to metaphorically bubble.

That's where Mr. Fresh Toes Ted comes into play.

Fresh Toes Ted is the last man to appear on this Subway commercial (below.)


"14 stories below, they call me Mr. Fresh Toasted."

I don't know of any people out there that createe nicknames for people which are longer than the name they are nicking. I will assume that Mr. Fresh Toasted (5 syllables) is longer than either his first, last, or acceptable shortening of his first name. That is unless his name is Peedoocatzoodle (5 syllables) Afflamingobergy (6 Syllables). It is completely fucking absurd that anyone would ever refer to anyone as "Mr. Fresh Toasted." This lead me to believe that he wasn't saying "Fresh Toasted", but "Fresh Toes Ted", after the fact that he always wears sweet smelling powders in his boots, thus keeping his toes as fresh as a fucking daisy. It is acceptable to make a mocking nickname that is longer than the name that it is nicking (i.e. Georgie Peoria.)

The people who made that commercial, obviously know nothing about selling items to the public. What they do know how to do is fucking piss me off. So, I decided to help those people get fired. For the lifespan of that commercial, I boycotted Subway. Maybe, if they aren't getting my money, then they will realize that Fresh Toes Ted is ignorant, and pull his sweet smelling feet off of my TV.

Commercials are supposed to make me want to buy stuff, not kill myself (unless it was an ad for something that would aide in me killing myself.) From now till the end of time, Fresh Toes Ted will be synonymous with advertising that should be shut down! Fresh Toes Ted will be the poster boy for People Against Stupid Television Advertising (PASTA.) Wherever Fresh Toes Ted appears, I will not be there, I will not be buying the product, I will be bloggin dat shit!

Separated at Birth?

I know, I know it's not really possible that John McCain, Republican Senator from Arizona and Presidential Candidate, and Saul Tigh, Colonel of the Colonial Fleet from Caprica and Executive Officer of the Battlestar Galactica, can really be separated from birth because they are from two different galaxies. But before you you totally blow me off here, consider these compelling similarities...

1) The uncanny physical resemblance; which I have provided the above pictures to exhibit. Although, while I will have to admit that it looks like Colonel Tigh did get the business end of the 'baldness stick' and Senator McCain did not, this may only indicate that they may not have shared the same birth mother. Which would destroy the premise of this post since they would have actually been 'born separately'. But then again, perhaps 'baldness' works differently in the Galaxy of the Twelve Colonies and is not connected to your maternal grandfather. Cursing apparently works differently (i.e. 'frak' vs. 'fuck'), so why not baldness? Who knows?

2) Both are former jet fighter pilots who served their respective countries/colonies in War. Interestingly, both McCain's A-4E Skyhawk, and Colonel Tigh's Colonial Viper, are attack air/space craft specifically designed to operate from air/space craft carriers.

3) Most intriguing, is the fact that both McCain and Tigh were at one time POW's. Senator McCain spent over five years captive in the infamous Hotel Hanoi, where he was regularly and savagely beaten. As a result, he is unable to raise his arms above his head. Colonel Tigh was an on again/off again prisoner of the dreaded Detention Facility on New Caprica where he was mercilessly tortured by his Cylon captors. As a result he is unable to see out of one side of his face.



4) Finally, both the hard-drinking, gruff, straight talking Colonel Tigh and the maverick, principled, straight talking John McCain are fictional characters.

Good to the last last drop

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Biloxi, before the hurricanes

drew6r19 + R D Hardcore + our mildy retarded friend.

retard is on the left, drew6r19 in the middle, R D Hardcore on the right.

Did you know...
that prior to the hurricanes, it was virtually impossible to purchase decent clay poker chips in Biloxi, MS?